This is actually like giving my whole privacy through publicity but in different way. Because I feel like this blog is my place, and no one is watching I scream here. I feel this is my world.So I gotta throw whatever I want to let it out.
The class has already started since Monday by this week. And everything is getting more complicated—-again. Even when it is complicated I would sit there and smile. I feel like I have so many faces. But I never meant to do something bad for people, the problem is I’m a flexible person as hell. Some friends said that they wanted to be like that, but for me? I cry for that ability, I want a certainty, belong to certain people, belong to one definitive thing, I know it is paradox to belong only in one thing. But please I see people only get attached to some groups not all groups on the society. Even when I couldn’t talk to a person, because she’s too classy, and an intimidate person I’ll try talk to her, normal.
The problem is I don’t know where I belong, “you are too overthinking Yana.” You could easily pointing me to convince me in that way, again my problem is not problem, I know—but I don’t know. I maybe socially awkward but I try to talk.
People always have something on their heads at night. People always have feeling at night. And on night where I couldn’t sleep, I cried for help, people were sleeping. And I was too much crying for something that I didn’t know, Mom always at home so my father. I have them, I know. I cried for surreal. I never know how to get out from there, I never see a bird is flying free. It has something on the head, we call them free because they fly beautifully. But have we asked them about how they feel, how the sadness inside them?
So when I just want to cry in a time when I’m in crowded, I turn it into smile. Just smile, because I feel so win, to fight it with smile. I WIN. That is my field, I don’t have desire to win anything in society, I already have big monster inside myself, and when I could win the battle. I WIN. I WIN.
I don’t know how it goes,but I always want to help people. Call it too assertive, and not a good thing at all but that’s me, there is a time that I just want to sleep at my room without distracted by any willingness-to do something that people demand. I want. I might look—normal— but inside when I couldn’t help people from their sadness, I turned to be gloomy, I failed. And I have done so many failures.
People see me as a positive person. Inside, I couldn’t get out from labyrinth, so I see problem in society in a positive way. Having word inside that couldn’t be pronounced, I always try to express my own emotion, what’s on my head. Again, I don’t know, I don’t know how I feel.
Doing things for being activist of some sort is to make myself not drowning into the sunset of my brain. Beautiful sometimes, but it is so dark. So I keep doing things to make me forget, about the monster. Even I often don’t know what’s the point of my activities. The people, they always have something to talk, they sound like want to win everything in what they say, I just couldn’t be. Or if I sound like I want to win a debate, I maybe just don’t have something to do.
I want to be like people, just talk about professional things to people they don’t belong. And just comfortable to some groups of people. I want just sleep at my room, read my books, listen to the solitude. But I could drowning and losing again by crying.
I gotta talk what I gotta talk, again I couldn’t pronounce, this doesn’t present myself in wholeness. Maybe people feel that too, maybe it is just me that too sad. So I smile, I smile. I do things, even I don’t know the point. I just want peace. I talk about too much “I want” yes I want, and I try.
People are beautiful. I see them.
C’EST LA VIE!